Minutes to the 02/11/2006 MDS Meeting
Global Warming Hits Home
Long thought immune to the tumultuous typhoons, hellish hurricanes, devastating downpours, wicked windstorms, devastating draughts, fanatical flooding and, generally speaking, wearisome weather, these poor saps of the MDS living in Chicago (save Vanessa, safely ensconced in South America) were rudely awaken to the terrible truths of our day: global warming is real, and it is affecting our lives.
The intrepid crew of the USS Ignorant-about-the-issues-of-the-day arrived at The Charleston expecting another enjoyable afternoon of talking about a book. They were to sit down in the cozy ice cave with the bizarre cotton candy kitty kat, drink some $2 pints of Moosehead, and discuss the finer points of the “great American novel”. But no, not this week.
This week, Mother Nature’s Revenge struck hard, struck fast – and struck their very hearts. The ice cave was no more. Not one icicle remained. Not one tube of blue lights remained. Not one ounce of soul was left in the back room, to the left, just next to the pool table. Just a table, and a lonely, probably warm kitty kat that possibly spews cotton candy if, like, it gets plugged in.
But they never even tried to plug it in.
Confusion rained down among these alleged intellectuals, who revealed themselves all to be little better than a flock of lily-livered ninnies who deserved no better than to live in a chicken coop of Chicken Littles, but only if Chicken Little was right all along. Oh, how they all suffered, sitting in the common room with all of the locals. Oh, how eyes were nearly poked out by assholes trying to play pool while important discussions were taking place. Oh, how this humble reporter could care less for their troubles – as if the Charleston’s is the only ice cave to be taken away due to Global mother-fucking Warming. Cry for me, wannabes, and go hug your mommy. That is, unless, she drowned in the rest of the world that has known about Global Warming for years and years.
You ignorant bastards.
IN ATTENDANCE
Liz (presiding), Erin, Dan, Maggie, Jenny, Brian and Matt
RESOLUTIONS
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that the next meeting shall be on 03/04/2006 at 3:00 PM, and the reading assignment is through Chapter 90;
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that the Board shall now include a Remindifier, whose duty it shall be to send out appropriate reminders some time before each upcoming meeting (side resolution: IT IS HEREBY FURTHER RESOLVED that the Secretary shall not facilitate the Remindifier in his/her duties and that he/she can bring his/her own damn paper because it’s not like paper fucking grows on trees, people);
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that Brian is very cute and has good ideas;
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that Matt was first to show up, and that he showed up on time.
THE CRAP THAT THE SECRETARY COULD MAKE OUT OVER THE IMMENSE COMMOTION STEMMING FROM THE LACK OF PRIVACY PREVIOUSLY AFFORDED BY THE NOW LOST ICE CAVE
Now officially notarized for your protection!!
- Jenny, as Commencifier, commences the meeting at 2:36 PM with the following passage: “The sperm whale stands no nonsense,” though we all know that whales don’t stand so much as remain horizontal;
- Dan points out that he will spend the entire meeting sitting on a barrel;
- Erin begins a bizarre process where people confess things: Erin has not read Moby Dick in quite some time, Liz did not read the Bible, Erin continues that she was [REDACTED] but that Henry Hudson and the Russians are nonetheless involved;
- the Parsi’s on board the Pequod are all about dualism, with really, really good Gods and really, really bad Gods;
- Jenny remarks that sitting in a bar while snow is falling is quite nice;
- Ahab’s secret stash of whalers was mentioned by Elijah beforehand, and appear like Valkyries;
- Fadallah is tied to Ahab, physically, but maybe they are two sides to the same person (see above: comment about good and bad Gods);
- Fadallah conjures the idea Zorastrianism, the first monotheistic religion (so says Brian, et al) – however, the idea of a dual identity is hardly unique to Zorastrianism;
- what happens when the whale is caught? – no one answers satisfyingly;
- Liz visits the urination station;
- the relevant question is raised, “Can the MDS fit a whale into the Charleston?” – again, no on answers satisfyingly, though it is agreed that more information would be necessary, beginning with answers to such questions as, “is it bigger than a breadbox? A schoolbus? A subway car?”
- Ishmael is tied to Queequag;
- Ishmael is surprised at the harsh reality of whaling – welcome to adulthood, whiny bitch – and now sees life as a big joke, and that everyone is just at Death’s door, and appears to be fine with living or dying;
- discussion returns to the chapter, The Whiteness of the Whale – it is agreed that everyone paid lip service to its importance last time before moving on;
- white things can be evil, too;
- this chapter proves to be as much as literary device to heighten suspense as it is a more perfunctory telling of actual events relevant to the plot;
- Melville throws a lot out there, illustrating that he doesn’t really know for sure what the hell he’s doing;
- Liz takes a call and reports that she’s “doing pretty good”;
- is Moby Dick like other stories whales, in that he has a real personality?
- the Simpsons, unsurprisingly, gives us the lesson every reader can take from the book, “Be Yourself”;
- Ahab seeks revenge in the form of Eye for an Eye (which was a kick-ass Magic: The Gathering card, if the Secretary’s memory is correct) and the mutual recognition of the original deed that needs revenging;
- speaking of revenge, Liz sleeps with a knife under her pillow so that when she says, “not tonight”, Whet knows she means it;
- Queequag and Ishmael’s weaving of the mat was pretty cool, as it was the binding of fate and chance and luck;
- if Ishmael were a character from a sketch comedy show, he would be like Cancer Boy from The Kids in the Hall;
- Liz reveals a dream where the Hair Club office across from hers is actually a brothel;
- Erin reveals a dream where her old boss calls her into work and is wearing a wig (the boss, not Erin);
- Maggie nearly snarfs her beer, though no record exists of the joke that caused such an event;
- attempting to get back on track, and discuss the book at hand, Dan asks about why Captains would hold on tightly to their little boats while visiting other ships and Jenny responds with a giggle at the mention of the word, “erect”;
- this attempt at meaningful discussion thwarted, the group exhorts Maggie to play the Charleston on the bar’s piano;
- did everyone know that whales eat penguins? Because they totally do;
- Dan missed something funny – he imagines that it concerned shaping a giant pile of mashed potatoes into the shape of a whale in honor of the closing ceremonies to this first round of meetings of the MDS, ie. when the current book is finished, or about fashioning penguins from cheese – life-size, mind you – despite the fact that the MDS is barely half-way through the book and shouldn’t it be about the journey and not the destination anyway?!;
- Jenny sums it all up by proposing a toast to butter (hah! Get it?!);
- the MDS goes off the record at 3:37;
- the MDS is back on the record at 3:40 (what could have happened in those three minutes?! No one will ever know…);
- the Mates are like the Three Stooges or the Three Little Pigs, but not like the Three Bears;
- ‘3’ is a major number, all things considered;
- Brian possesses a secret document;
- Maggie remindifies herself;
- are Mermaids an Irish thing? Debate concerns their “titties”, eliciting a giggle from Maggie “because it was awesome” – Jenny is not present to giggle, as would have been expected;
- the owner of Starbucks clearly like titties;
- Liz “juiced” before attending the meeting, and if the IOC was involved, would have been thrown out because of it;
- Brian once tried to get “juiced” at Jamba Juice with a cold-buster smoothie and wound up getting a cold the very next day anyway, as if any smoothie could have prevented that so late in the game.
- more was said after this, until 4:02 PM when this mockery of a meeting was finally ADJOURNED.
email me
Global Warming Hits Home
Long thought immune to the tumultuous typhoons, hellish hurricanes, devastating downpours, wicked windstorms, devastating draughts, fanatical flooding and, generally speaking, wearisome weather, these poor saps of the MDS living in Chicago (save Vanessa, safely ensconced in South America) were rudely awaken to the terrible truths of our day: global warming is real, and it is affecting our lives.
The intrepid crew of the USS Ignorant-about-the-issues-of-the-day arrived at The Charleston expecting another enjoyable afternoon of talking about a book. They were to sit down in the cozy ice cave with the bizarre cotton candy kitty kat, drink some $2 pints of Moosehead, and discuss the finer points of the “great American novel”. But no, not this week.
This week, Mother Nature’s Revenge struck hard, struck fast – and struck their very hearts. The ice cave was no more. Not one icicle remained. Not one tube of blue lights remained. Not one ounce of soul was left in the back room, to the left, just next to the pool table. Just a table, and a lonely, probably warm kitty kat that possibly spews cotton candy if, like, it gets plugged in.
But they never even tried to plug it in.
Confusion rained down among these alleged intellectuals, who revealed themselves all to be little better than a flock of lily-livered ninnies who deserved no better than to live in a chicken coop of Chicken Littles, but only if Chicken Little was right all along. Oh, how they all suffered, sitting in the common room with all of the locals. Oh, how eyes were nearly poked out by assholes trying to play pool while important discussions were taking place. Oh, how this humble reporter could care less for their troubles – as if the Charleston’s is the only ice cave to be taken away due to Global mother-fucking Warming. Cry for me, wannabes, and go hug your mommy. That is, unless, she drowned in the rest of the world that has known about Global Warming for years and years.
You ignorant bastards.
IN ATTENDANCE
Liz (presiding), Erin, Dan, Maggie, Jenny, Brian and Matt
RESOLUTIONS
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that the next meeting shall be on 03/04/2006 at 3:00 PM, and the reading assignment is through Chapter 90;
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that the Board shall now include a Remindifier, whose duty it shall be to send out appropriate reminders some time before each upcoming meeting (side resolution: IT IS HEREBY FURTHER RESOLVED that the Secretary shall not facilitate the Remindifier in his/her duties and that he/she can bring his/her own damn paper because it’s not like paper fucking grows on trees, people);
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that Brian is very cute and has good ideas;
- IT IS HEREBY RESOVLED that Matt was first to show up, and that he showed up on time.
THE CRAP THAT THE SECRETARY COULD MAKE OUT OVER THE IMMENSE COMMOTION STEMMING FROM THE LACK OF PRIVACY PREVIOUSLY AFFORDED BY THE NOW LOST ICE CAVE
Now officially notarized for your protection!!
- Jenny, as Commencifier, commences the meeting at 2:36 PM with the following passage: “The sperm whale stands no nonsense,” though we all know that whales don’t stand so much as remain horizontal;
- Dan points out that he will spend the entire meeting sitting on a barrel;
- Erin begins a bizarre process where people confess things: Erin has not read Moby Dick in quite some time, Liz did not read the Bible, Erin continues that she was [REDACTED] but that Henry Hudson and the Russians are nonetheless involved;
- the Parsi’s on board the Pequod are all about dualism, with really, really good Gods and really, really bad Gods;
- Jenny remarks that sitting in a bar while snow is falling is quite nice;
- Ahab’s secret stash of whalers was mentioned by Elijah beforehand, and appear like Valkyries;
- Fadallah is tied to Ahab, physically, but maybe they are two sides to the same person (see above: comment about good and bad Gods);
- Fadallah conjures the idea Zorastrianism, the first monotheistic religion (so says Brian, et al) – however, the idea of a dual identity is hardly unique to Zorastrianism;
- what happens when the whale is caught? – no one answers satisfyingly;
- Liz visits the urination station;
- the relevant question is raised, “Can the MDS fit a whale into the Charleston?” – again, no on answers satisfyingly, though it is agreed that more information would be necessary, beginning with answers to such questions as, “is it bigger than a breadbox? A schoolbus? A subway car?”
- Ishmael is tied to Queequag;
- Ishmael is surprised at the harsh reality of whaling – welcome to adulthood, whiny bitch – and now sees life as a big joke, and that everyone is just at Death’s door, and appears to be fine with living or dying;
- discussion returns to the chapter, The Whiteness of the Whale – it is agreed that everyone paid lip service to its importance last time before moving on;
- white things can be evil, too;
- this chapter proves to be as much as literary device to heighten suspense as it is a more perfunctory telling of actual events relevant to the plot;
- Melville throws a lot out there, illustrating that he doesn’t really know for sure what the hell he’s doing;
- Liz takes a call and reports that she’s “doing pretty good”;
- is Moby Dick like other stories whales, in that he has a real personality?
- the Simpsons, unsurprisingly, gives us the lesson every reader can take from the book, “Be Yourself”;
- Ahab seeks revenge in the form of Eye for an Eye (which was a kick-ass Magic: The Gathering card, if the Secretary’s memory is correct) and the mutual recognition of the original deed that needs revenging;
- speaking of revenge, Liz sleeps with a knife under her pillow so that when she says, “not tonight”, Whet knows she means it;
- Queequag and Ishmael’s weaving of the mat was pretty cool, as it was the binding of fate and chance and luck;
- if Ishmael were a character from a sketch comedy show, he would be like Cancer Boy from The Kids in the Hall;
- Liz reveals a dream where the Hair Club office across from hers is actually a brothel;
- Erin reveals a dream where her old boss calls her into work and is wearing a wig (the boss, not Erin);
- Maggie nearly snarfs her beer, though no record exists of the joke that caused such an event;
- attempting to get back on track, and discuss the book at hand, Dan asks about why Captains would hold on tightly to their little boats while visiting other ships and Jenny responds with a giggle at the mention of the word, “erect”;
- this attempt at meaningful discussion thwarted, the group exhorts Maggie to play the Charleston on the bar’s piano;
- did everyone know that whales eat penguins? Because they totally do;
- Dan missed something funny – he imagines that it concerned shaping a giant pile of mashed potatoes into the shape of a whale in honor of the closing ceremonies to this first round of meetings of the MDS, ie. when the current book is finished, or about fashioning penguins from cheese – life-size, mind you – despite the fact that the MDS is barely half-way through the book and shouldn’t it be about the journey and not the destination anyway?!;
- Jenny sums it all up by proposing a toast to butter (hah! Get it?!);
- the MDS goes off the record at 3:37;
- the MDS is back on the record at 3:40 (what could have happened in those three minutes?! No one will ever know…);
- the Mates are like the Three Stooges or the Three Little Pigs, but not like the Three Bears;
- ‘3’ is a major number, all things considered;
- Brian possesses a secret document;
- Maggie remindifies herself;
- are Mermaids an Irish thing? Debate concerns their “titties”, eliciting a giggle from Maggie “because it was awesome” – Jenny is not present to giggle, as would have been expected;
- the owner of Starbucks clearly like titties;
- Liz “juiced” before attending the meeting, and if the IOC was involved, would have been thrown out because of it;
- Brian once tried to get “juiced” at Jamba Juice with a cold-buster smoothie and wound up getting a cold the very next day anyway, as if any smoothie could have prevented that so late in the game.
- more was said after this, until 4:02 PM when this mockery of a meeting was finally ADJOURNED.
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