Adventures in Pants-buying
So, in addition to a number of things, you might be able to say that the past three months, for me, have been characterized by my search for a pair of pants. Not one specific pair, mind you, but just pants, in general.
I guess it started because I wanted a pair of black, flat-front pants. I admit that my knowledge of pants styles may paint me as a metrosexual, but you know, whatever. But I’ve really come to know pants and what’s available these days, so whatever. The thing is, I don’t like pleats. I think they’re lame on anything but a plaid skirt round the waist of a nubile young woman. But that’s besides the point. Black pants. Flat-front. That’s all, really.
But wouldn’t you know it, they’re not so easy to find. You go one place, and they have a variety of black pants, but none that are flat-front. You go to another and wham! a wall of flat-front pants, but not in black. Once, I think I had found what I was looking for, however these black, flat-front pants had some sort of a sheen to them. And, hell, a sheen has it’s own place – ie. the floor – but certainly not my pants. I don’t want anything to be shiny in the least about my pants. Just black. Just plain black. And flat-front.
But then one day, after great searching, I walked into a store and lo! there were black, flat-front pants. They were a little bit more than I was looking to spend, but they were what I wanted, and I knew from first-hand experience that it wouldn’t be possible to find the pants I wanted for less. Just wasn’t going to happen.
So black, flat-front pants are mine. They are nice, and show off my bum. Incidentally, I had a totally random compliment on my bum from my Halloween party. Sadly, this girl’s compliment was communicated to me by her boyfriend, so it’s not like there will be an opportunity to give her a better view. hah! I’m so gross. But enough about my ass.
I look in my closet/through the piles of clothes on my floor, and I’m like, I want a pair of pants that aren’t jeans, and that aren’t khaki’s. Something, else . Maybe something with pinstripes. Pinstripes are fun. So I begin a new search. A new search for a new pair of pants.
I again look high and low, but to no avail. Until one day when I did manage to find a pair of pants that were what I was looking for. Sadly, though, I was introduced to the idea of the “slim fit” pair of pants.
I know, I said I have a nice ass, but that doesn’t mean that I’m terribly slim. Which isn’t to say that I’m enormous either. I am normal, average, I guess. I got some meat to my bones, you know? As I’ve said before, I’m not some skinny emo kid, plain as day. So, like, the size was technically correct on these pinstripe pants, but because they were “slim fit”, damn things just didn’t look… right. You could tell something was a little off with them. So I keep searching.
There’s this store called H&M. One just opened up in Chicago with much hoopla. I admit, some of said hoopla isn’t inappropriate. They have very, very cheap clothes that don’t look like they came from the same mold as Old Navy or the Gap (instead, they come from the H&M cookie cutter). But I think, oh, their clothes are hip, and so they should have pants. Which they do, don’t get me wrong. But again, the “slim fit” model of pants. And it’s just like, Christ almighty, who do I have to fuck to get a damned pair of normal pants that have pinstripes?! I just don’t know.
And thus, this idea of getting a non-khaki and non-denim pair of pants is all but forgotten. And to this day, I am still without a pair of pants that are different from every other damned pair of pants that I see. Oh well.
My searching powers then turn to jeans. I think I need a new pair of jeans. Sometimes, I mean, jeans just get old and worn out, and not in a good, they-look-better-with-age sort of way, either. Now, jeans, I have learned, are a tricky, tricky thing to shop for. This is what I want – dark blue jeans with a zipper fly. No boot-cut bullshit, whatever that means, no pre-faded portions on the legs, and certainly none of those wrinkles or whatever they are in the crotch area. I mean, are they like little guidelines directing your gaze to my privates? It’s just like, dude, I just want a plain, dark blue pair of jeans. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently, yes. Button fly’s are everywhere, much to my frustration. It’s just that, I don’t want to be fiddling with damned buttons every time I have to use the bathroom. I have better things to do with my time than that. But people love to put buttons everywhere, it seems, so I’m SOL. Next, I’ve learned, is that a pair of jeans just isn’t complete without a pre-fabricated tear, or hole, or pre-faded portion on the leg. And, people, I just don’t want none of that. You might say that I’m just not ready for that jelly.
But I went to Sears last night. Cause I was looking for a CD player for my office. But while I’m there, might as well look at jeans, right? And there they are – plain, dark blue, zipper fly jeans. But they’re baggy. I’m sorry, “relaxed fit”? I just want pants that fit. That’s all. I try to lead a humble, and relatively modest life, and it’s like, all I want… well, you know what I want by now.
So I’ve come so close, it seems, and yet, I am still without the jeans that I want, or other pair of pants that I’m looking for. If this pants-buying process has taught me one thing (though, to be honest, it’s taught me truly a great deal), it’s that I need a better hobby than shopping for pants.
-dan
PS – One other thing that I learned while shopping for so many pairs of pants is that men’s pant technology has really moved light years ahead of what I would have expected. Sure you got your wrinkle-free, but now there’s stain-free, too. And little strips of rubber along the waistband to keep your shirts tucked in, and man, just a ton of stuff like that. Very impressive, really. If only they could combine said features with a damned non slim-fit or relaxed fit pinstripe pant, I might actually be happy.
Nahh…
email me
So, in addition to a number of things, you might be able to say that the past three months, for me, have been characterized by my search for a pair of pants. Not one specific pair, mind you, but just pants, in general.
I guess it started because I wanted a pair of black, flat-front pants. I admit that my knowledge of pants styles may paint me as a metrosexual, but you know, whatever. But I’ve really come to know pants and what’s available these days, so whatever. The thing is, I don’t like pleats. I think they’re lame on anything but a plaid skirt round the waist of a nubile young woman. But that’s besides the point. Black pants. Flat-front. That’s all, really.
But wouldn’t you know it, they’re not so easy to find. You go one place, and they have a variety of black pants, but none that are flat-front. You go to another and wham! a wall of flat-front pants, but not in black. Once, I think I had found what I was looking for, however these black, flat-front pants had some sort of a sheen to them. And, hell, a sheen has it’s own place – ie. the floor – but certainly not my pants. I don’t want anything to be shiny in the least about my pants. Just black. Just plain black. And flat-front.
But then one day, after great searching, I walked into a store and lo! there were black, flat-front pants. They were a little bit more than I was looking to spend, but they were what I wanted, and I knew from first-hand experience that it wouldn’t be possible to find the pants I wanted for less. Just wasn’t going to happen.
So black, flat-front pants are mine. They are nice, and show off my bum. Incidentally, I had a totally random compliment on my bum from my Halloween party. Sadly, this girl’s compliment was communicated to me by her boyfriend, so it’s not like there will be an opportunity to give her a better view. hah! I’m so gross. But enough about my ass.
I look in my closet/through the piles of clothes on my floor, and I’m like, I want a pair of pants that aren’t jeans, and that aren’t khaki’s. Something, else . Maybe something with pinstripes. Pinstripes are fun. So I begin a new search. A new search for a new pair of pants.
I again look high and low, but to no avail. Until one day when I did manage to find a pair of pants that were what I was looking for. Sadly, though, I was introduced to the idea of the “slim fit” pair of pants.
I know, I said I have a nice ass, but that doesn’t mean that I’m terribly slim. Which isn’t to say that I’m enormous either. I am normal, average, I guess. I got some meat to my bones, you know? As I’ve said before, I’m not some skinny emo kid, plain as day. So, like, the size was technically correct on these pinstripe pants, but because they were “slim fit”, damn things just didn’t look… right. You could tell something was a little off with them. So I keep searching.
There’s this store called H&M. One just opened up in Chicago with much hoopla. I admit, some of said hoopla isn’t inappropriate. They have very, very cheap clothes that don’t look like they came from the same mold as Old Navy or the Gap (instead, they come from the H&M cookie cutter). But I think, oh, their clothes are hip, and so they should have pants. Which they do, don’t get me wrong. But again, the “slim fit” model of pants. And it’s just like, Christ almighty, who do I have to fuck to get a damned pair of normal pants that have pinstripes?! I just don’t know.
And thus, this idea of getting a non-khaki and non-denim pair of pants is all but forgotten. And to this day, I am still without a pair of pants that are different from every other damned pair of pants that I see. Oh well.
My searching powers then turn to jeans. I think I need a new pair of jeans. Sometimes, I mean, jeans just get old and worn out, and not in a good, they-look-better-with-age sort of way, either. Now, jeans, I have learned, are a tricky, tricky thing to shop for. This is what I want – dark blue jeans with a zipper fly. No boot-cut bullshit, whatever that means, no pre-faded portions on the legs, and certainly none of those wrinkles or whatever they are in the crotch area. I mean, are they like little guidelines directing your gaze to my privates? It’s just like, dude, I just want a plain, dark blue pair of jeans. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently, yes. Button fly’s are everywhere, much to my frustration. It’s just that, I don’t want to be fiddling with damned buttons every time I have to use the bathroom. I have better things to do with my time than that. But people love to put buttons everywhere, it seems, so I’m SOL. Next, I’ve learned, is that a pair of jeans just isn’t complete without a pre-fabricated tear, or hole, or pre-faded portion on the leg. And, people, I just don’t want none of that. You might say that I’m just not ready for that jelly.
But I went to Sears last night. Cause I was looking for a CD player for my office. But while I’m there, might as well look at jeans, right? And there they are – plain, dark blue, zipper fly jeans. But they’re baggy. I’m sorry, “relaxed fit”? I just want pants that fit. That’s all. I try to lead a humble, and relatively modest life, and it’s like, all I want… well, you know what I want by now.
So I’ve come so close, it seems, and yet, I am still without the jeans that I want, or other pair of pants that I’m looking for. If this pants-buying process has taught me one thing (though, to be honest, it’s taught me truly a great deal), it’s that I need a better hobby than shopping for pants.
-dan
PS – One other thing that I learned while shopping for so many pairs of pants is that men’s pant technology has really moved light years ahead of what I would have expected. Sure you got your wrinkle-free, but now there’s stain-free, too. And little strips of rubber along the waistband to keep your shirts tucked in, and man, just a ton of stuff like that. Very impressive, really. If only they could combine said features with a damned non slim-fit or relaxed fit pinstripe pant, I might actually be happy.
Nahh…
email me
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